fuckinghysterical | PRISMA INBOX

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Laughing Beauty ⬤ Metal Gear Solid 4

residential district ⬤ Middle Lunatia

moonblessing ⬤ Sanguis

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[Damn. LB's response feels like a gut punch; it hits so close to home. He didn't kill Mitsuba, but it would have been better for her if she had never met him. It's his fault that she spent the last years of her life alone. Had it not been for him she could have fallen in love with a nice, normal man instead. Even as a child he only brought misfortune on his family: the majority of his older siblings was unhappy when they had to take him into their household, and his kind oldest brother got blinded when he protected him from an attack. It all flashes through his memory as he sees her strained smile.]

...

[He pulls her in and holds her, one hand on her waist and the other on the back of her head.]

I'm sorry for asking you that.

[LB doesn't resist in the least as Hijikata draws her into the embrace, in spite of a momentary bit of surprises that passes through her. As she realizes what he's doing, though, she closes her eyes and rests her chin on one of his shoulders.]

It's all right, eheheh, you- you didn't know.

[Fuck, it felt so nice being in his arms like this. Even for how depressing the topic got, all of the sudden, LB can't ignore the sensation this bit of lacing brought, along with with the fact that they were doing this with so little clothing between them. She raises an arm to wrap around his back, letting out a deep sigh as her palm rests on one of his shoulders.

She comes close to raising her chin to just kiss him there, but then she thinks about why he might have asked her that question in the first place. Was she being too pushy, when might not want this in the first place? She hesitates to echo the question back to him, but... he wouldn't have asked her if he wasn't comfortable answering the question himself... right?

So, after a few seconds pass, the uncertainty in her tone is evident when she speaks again.]

Do you have someone?

[He tries to put a smile back on his face, but now he kind of ruined the mood, didn't he? Of course he's luckier than she is; he has many people who care for him back home. He has a place to belong to, a new "family", a growing number of friends and acquaintances. But this place brought back those old memories, and they haunt his mind more frequently than before since he can't just drown himself in his work here - not yet in any case. He considers what happened at the end of last month before he answers her question.]

Not anymore. If I'm honest she was never mine.

[Not for lack of interest on her part; it was him who rejected her because he thought he knew what was best for her. He was such an idiot, really.]

I think I only brought her pain.

[That's what makes him still hesitate, really. LB isn't a civilian like Mitsuba was, and here on Prismatica he doesn't have the same worries about how his position as a man with many enemies might affect the woman by his side. But does a guy like him deserve happiness? He doesn't think so.]

Oh...

[She feels a little awkward in her current position now, so she raises her head a little to be able to glance at him as he speaks. From the way she read his expression, she assumed "Not anymore" was probably precisely what she thought he meant. Now she was the one who felt a little guilty bringing it up, even if he was the one to suggest the topic in the first place. But LB supposed it might be why he cut things off with her the last time they met. And she knew it was stupid, but she still couldn't quite bite back the littlest bit of jealousy that flares up in her mind. That was... just a Sanguis thing, right? Still, she does her best to shrug it off mentally. Particularly because even with everything he just said, LB was still certain that he deserved far better than her anyway.

After a heavy sigh, she reaches out to lightly grasp his arms.]

Well, now I'm the one sorry for not letting the topic die, haha...

[She supposed that this was one way to cool off, but LB wasn't so certain that was what Hijikata was after. Another moment passes before she reaches up to grasp his face gently.]

I can't say I know what your situation was - back at your home - but... I doubt that was the case.

[They both certainly did cool down. Hijikata can't remember feeling so somber at any point during his first Sanguis cycle. He really wanted to spare LB his manpain which he doesn't even have a right to feel after all the insulting things he did to Mitsuba, but here they are. When she touches his face he feels even more undeserving. If only she understood what a shitty guy he is...]

I rejected her, and when she got engaged to another man I killed him.

[That's the truth. Mitsuba was already very sick when that man proposed to her, and to this day Hijikata doesn't know what made her accept his proposal. Maybe she wanted to be closer to her brother Sougo in her final months, seeing how her groom brought her to Edo. Maybe she wanted to punish Hijikata, who had hoped for her to end up with a better man than himself, by marrying the worst possible guy. Maybe she simply wanted to experience the joy of a wedding before the end of her life. In any case Hijikata discovered the groom's ulterior motives of blackmailing Sougo into turning a blind eye to his smuggling activities, so he conducted a one-man raid that would doubtlessly have gotten him killed if the others hadn't found out and come to his aid. In the end the groom was dead, and so was the bride, whose health had deteriorated faster than anyone expected.]

I didn't even apologise to her.

[That... certainly was a truth bomb that was dropped on her. However, for as bad as the words might seem, on the surface, she still had a suspicion that the situation likely wasn't as bad as he was making it seem. Even if LB would never be all that great at reading faces, she still searches into his expression before speaking again.]

You... probably had a reason for it, didn't you? Haha... [Of course, she had no evidence to back that up, but from the little she knew about Hijikata, she couldn't really imagine him going out of his way to kill someone for a petty reason. Maybe the woman's would-be fiance was the one who started the fight in the first place. Or maybe he was an awful person that needed to be dealt with. Even if it wasn't for a good reason, it wasn't like she could judge him too harshly for it, considering all of the things she did herself.]

Maybe, in the end, you saved her from being more miserable? [A sort of sheepish smile follows as she shrugs.] I guess I don't actually know, eheheh... sorry, maybe I shouldn't assume.

[Why is she giving him the benefit of the doubt after he said something so horrible? He doesn't understand why she wants to see something good in him so badly, but then he also doesn't really understand why he's so absolutely hellbent on making her despise him. Sure, he can't forgive himself, but that's his problem, not hers.]

I... had a reason, yeah. But that doesn't change the fact that I killed her fiancé.

[Isn't he just doing the same thing to LB that he did to Mitsuba right now? Deciding what's best for her?]

...

How about you?

[He's dumping all this godawful stuff on her, at the very least he can also let her throw some of the things that weigh her down at him. But maybe she's not as selfish as him. Maybe she doesn't want to force her ideas of herself on him.]

[She gives a brief smile as her suspicion is confirmed. LB did understand why he might feel guilty over it, but she just figured that he was likely doing some sort of good. When she thought so negatively about herself, it was easy for her to find the good in just about everyone else she ran into - and she in particular thought very highly of Hijikata.]

Maybe, but... I'm going to guess it did some kind of good to kill him? [There's a second pause before she looks away again.] In which case, you'd be doing better than me. Ahahaha... no one I've killed has done any sort of good for anyone.

[And for as far as she knew, LB wasn't entirely wrong in that assessment either. The only motivators she ever really had in killing people were survival, because of an order, or because of a promise to have her mind cleansed of the sorrow and regrets that weighed her down (though she utterly failed on the last one).]

Maybe you deserve to know all the bad things I've done, but - eheheh... it's fucked up. [She sighs against his shoulder, adding:] I'm fucked up, and I... I don't know if I'll ever be better.

[He leans down and puts his forehead against hers in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. If anyone else were walking on this part of the beach right now they'd doubtlessly think the two of them were having a good time, standing in a close embrace with the waves gently rolling past them. Sadly Hijikata thoroughly brought in the gloom.]

It's a fucked-up world, yours maybe moreso than mine, what with all the war you told me about. We people do all kinds of horrible things to each other.

[He pauses. He can't excuse atrocities, but he also can't judge anyone else's deeds, really, with all the blood on his hands. Officially he's the embodiment of law and order, but isn't the rebels' anger at the Shogunate that all but sold out its people understandable? He's no better than them, and he knows it. In any case he doesn't think that LB is a malicious person. No matter what she may have done, nothing could make him believe that this woman took joy in making others suffer.]

I can't promise that you'll get better, but we can only try. We may have made the wrong choices - or maybe you didn't have a choice at all -, and in our worlds it may be too late and we may just be hellbound, but at the very least we can not make the lives of the people here worse. If we protect this world, then maybe we can make up for it all, if only a little bit.

[LB just closes her eyes for a little while, letting herself focus on his words. Even if she only really vaguely described her experiences in her original world, she was really glad that Hijikata didn't seem to be judging her too harshly. She didn't think what she did was forgivable, but... she still was doing her best to be a better person, even if she didn't think she really had what it took to be able to protect too many people - the best she could do was look out for the few she did care about.

Still, LB can't quite think of a proper response to everything he just said, even if she did appreciate it. They've... really been talking about depressing stuff for a while, haven't they? But at the very least, she was a little bit happy to know him just a bit better. So, maybe the people passing by might not be entirely too off the mark in their assumptions as LB shifts her head a little to kiss him - letting it linger a little longer than the last time she attempted this.]

[He returns her kiss and shifts his arms slightly, pulling her closer in by the waist. It's comforting that she still believes in whatever goodness there is in him, and he can only assume that she feels the same, but... he simply can't fix this, and it's hard for him to accept. Whatever happened to her and the people she hurt, he can't turn back time for them, much as he can't turn back time for him and Mitsuba and everyone else.]

...

[If she were a Cordis (and if it were the Cordis moon phase) he could just let her pheromones fog up his brain and enjoy himself with her. Hell, if she were an Iris her need might still override his reason under the Iris moon. But he has no such excuse; they're both Sanguises. He breaks the kiss after a lingering moment.]

We should get something to drink. Unless you want to stay here a little longer.

[LB feels some mixture of disappointment and embarrassment as he pulls away. With all the shit that was brought up in her mind, she naturally sought out lacing to try to push it in the back of her mind, but she supposed that Hijikata felt different, considering his situation.

Still, even if she kind of awkwardly turns away from him afterward, LB still manages a bit of a smile at his suggestion.]

Oh, uh, sure! Eheheh! If you’re up for it?

[Drinking alcohol still did nothing for her, but maybe that was his way of dealing with it? And hey, if it were possible, she would definitely resort to it too, so she wouldn’t look down on it in the least (even if that wasn’t the actual case here). She starts heading back to the sand of the beach.]

...sorry.

[For the kiss. LB says it quietly, not certain if she actually needed to apologize at all, but she really was the type to say it way more than she needed to anyway.]

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